Monday, April 30, 2007

You Fell, I Laughed

I've got another two weeks before this semester is done. I keep reminding myself the reason that I'm doing all this:

In other news, I am an asshole. Today, while stopped at a red light, I watched the biggest, nerdiest undergrad (wearing jeans shorts and white socks) attempt to run through the crosswalk in front of me. I say attempt because he didn't make it. He bit it, hard. We're talking rolling head over heals in the street, losing his backpack, and clutching his knee while rolling on the pavement hard. All this chaos unfolded right in front of my car. And did I get out and help this poor kid? No, I buckled over laughing so hard I thought I was going to accidentally take my foot off the brake and run over the gimp. After what seemed like minutes of literal writhing in the street, he limped off to find his bag and drug it to the sidewalk. I drove away, but I took a little piece of his dignity with me.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

With All This Virginia Tech Hype

We've seemingly forgotten what's truly important:

1. Sanjaya got voted off American Idol.
2. Attorney General Gonzalez is still a partisan prick.
3. Britney, how much hair has she re-grown?
4. Bush is still pushing that whole Iraq war thing.
5. Polar bear cub Knut is still cute, still alive.

You were all thinking the same thing you heartless bastards.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A Post-Virginia Tech World

Yesterday I came home to discover 12 new emails from my university outlining the new-fangled security measures that we as students and teachers will be forced to endure throughout the rest of the academic year (and possibly beyond). Phone-trees were established and updated, a resolution to remain safe was passed by the academic senate, email boxes were clogged with junk to ensure a cyber-terrorist couldn't get to us electronically, our president David Boren expressed his deep sorrow to anyone who cared to listen, and finally all campus buildings were locked, to be opened by guards only after showing identification and appearing Caucasian and free of weapons. All in all, it was a long day.

However, today proved that living in this post-Virginia Tech era would not be as simple as an email-blast. During my first class of the morning, campus police rushed into the lecture hall, decked out in SWAT gear, and informed us that there was a security breach on campus and that we would be required to stay in "lock down" until the "situation" was “resolved.” I asked if there would be prison sex like on Oz and if we could put the girls in a different room to really get an authentic experience. The police, although secretly amused, did not respond. Some girl in the front started to cry, so I continued to lecture, ironically about virtue ethics, i.e. the right thing to do is the thing that the virtuous person would do.

At some point I ran out of examples and got bored talking, so I asked the coppers if there had been any progress (we're still sitting in class 20 minutes after it ended). An officer responded with, "Sir, the safety of you and your class is our first concern here."

I retorted, "Well then you should let me out then! I could show you some of these students' test scores... I think they may have brain damage and it could be contagious. Prolonged exposure in close contact is not safe."

The officer began talking into his walkie-talkie and turned his back to me. Some of the students were staring at me now. I pretended to read the newspaper and drink the tea that I'd actually finished an hour ago. Team SWAT all of sudden began filing out of the room and gave us the all clear to go as well. When asked what happened they simple said the situation was "resolved.” "Resolved like they blew up the building resolved? Or resolved like they got the mustard stain out of Boren's tie resolved?" I asked. No answer.

Later, back in the safe confines of my departmental office, I learned why we were locked down. A student reported seeing a man holding what looked like a rifle walking quickly into a classroom. A sketch artist created this rendition of the eyewitness account:

The object was later confirmed to be an umbrella. The student said she had a hard time seeing it clearly because of all the rain.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I Heart My Passport

Due to an unforeseen lack of mental resources this week (year?), I've resorted to pictures. This post is more of the same. Perhaps worse.

I love traveling and regard my passport like a wallet full of pictures of my kids. But even more special because I see my kids everyday, and sometimes frankly they're just a pain. The following are snapshots of my passport:

(notice the visa from the former Yugoslavia!)

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Drinking in West Hollywood

You know 32 different ways to order a Mojito.
You were drinking green apple martinis in the nineties, beyotch.
You drink vodka tonics for the lack of calories only to stop for pizza on your way home.
You did saki-bombs, not beer-bongs, in college.
Your personal Cheers is the Abbey, and everyone really does know your name (or has slept with you and since forgotten your name, if names were ever exchanged, but still people look at you like "how do I know him?").
You’ve actually seen Lindsey Lohan drunk in person, not just on Perez Hilton.
You’ve actually been to an AA meeting with Lindsey Lohan (while she was drunk, and you were probably still a little hung-over yourself).
Fiesta Cantina forties.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

From Such Great Heights

If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t written anything in the last week (in fact, even if you did notice I still havent written shit). This is due to grading exams and wanting to throw myself off a bridge water-tower. We don’t really have the type of bridges from which you could successfully kill yourself in Oklahoma. But water-towers are plentiful and tall in the plains. I’m finished grading now and will eventually regain the will to write. Maybe. Sometime.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Approval Matrix

The following is a Norman version of the Approval Matrix lifted directly from New York Magazine and inspired (stolen) from Bee-Spot: