Tuesday, March 20, 2007

OU Gymnastics

Saturday evening Bee-Spot author Blythe and *The Life and Times author Shain attended the No. 5 Oklahoma vs. No. 9 Iowa gymnastics dual meet at the OU Field House. The following are each author’s respective versions of that night.

Mr. Shain’s Version:

Senior and defending National Champion Brian Carr prepares to begin his Floor Exercise after OU has already posted three solid scores on this event. OU leads Iowa by two full points.

Bee-Spot: This is really exciting Shain, all eyes are on Brian during this competition. He’s really the heart of this OU team. You can just feel the tension in the air can’t you?

Mr. Shain: You’re absolutely right Blythe; this boy’s on his way to a Wheaties box!

Bee-Spot: Brian’s opening pass is huge—a double twisting double layout! And he sticks it! NICE. That landing is so difficult because of the speed of those rotations, but he’s not giving anything away with extra steps tonight. OU’s really improving their floor routines this season.

Mr. Shain: Absolutely Blythe! Oh wow, he’s working the floor! Brian knows exactly what he’s up against tonight—he’s got to go clean on this routine. Punch front one and three-quarters, flawless. Wow… whip two and half to prone! What does that fulfill in terms of the requirements?

Bee-Spot: I have no idea Shain. But I’m sure it’ll be hard to beat! His third pass… half-in, one-three quarter roll out… he did have a little trouble with this is warm-ups earlier. But not tonight! Solid!

Mr. Shain: Oh he nailed it! Brian’s getting bonus for his connections between these acrobatic skills now. Legs fully extended, straight, tight, beautiful. He really stands above the rest in terms of his flair Blythe.

Bee-Spot: Yes, that is tight isn’t it. And look at that Y-scale, Shain, see how far apart his legs are, he’s earning virtuosity for that. Ok, Brian’s final pass is a double Arabian in a piked position—this is one of the toughest elements being performed tonight.

Mr. Shain: And he nails the landing! There’s no way anyone from Iowa can touch his package tonight Blythe! I think he just locked it up for OU!

Bee-Spot: He certainly locked it up for me Shain!


Bee-Spot’s Version:

Bee-Spot: Why am I here again?

Mr. Shain: blah blah blah pass I used to be a gymnast therefore I'm better than you blah blah blah.

Bee-Spot: Can we drink yet?

Mr. Shain: blah blah rings horse blah blah blah.

Bee-Spot: OU loses points. Their outfits are entirely too sparkly.

Mr. Shain: I love gymnastics!

Bee-Spot: Do you think the ladies teams get funding for bikini waxes? Do you think I should get a brazilian?

Mr. Shain: Why? It's not like you're sleeping with anyone. Or ever will. Jumping! Spinning!

Bee-Spot: I like the shorts the boys wear when vaulting. Hot. Oh God, these boys are three [actually up to six] years younger than me. I'm so old. That one's got his shirt off! Muscles.

Mr. Shain: Yeah, you are. And ugly. Dismount!

Bee-Spot: The Iowa coaches look like they're going clubbing after this. She's got rhinestones on her shirt. This is a gymnastics meet, for Christ sake. Those are the ugliest heels I've ever seen. Does Marc Jacobs design for Wal-Mart yet?

Mr. Shain: Are you talking, because I'm better than you.

Bee-Spot: I need a pedicure.

Mr. Shain: Shut up. That was a tough vault.

Bee-Spot: She just fell! Ha!

Mr. Shain: Point-five deduction.

Bee-Spot: For the stupid ribbon in her hair. These women are in college. Ribbons? Bows? This is a fucking sport not a fashion show.

Mr. Shain: Running! Cartwheels!

Bee-Spot: We are not sticking around for the autograph session. In fact, we're leaving right now.

1 comment:

blythe said...

mr. shain, notice how the best part/brilliant comment applies to my writing. just wanted to point that out.

we do need a support group. and soon.